Addressing the HEART of a Child

So, in regards to parenting issues, I blog/share what I am passionate about.

This doesn't mean that I have mastered the issues I address.  

It doesn't mean that I no longer have to work hard at what I write about.

Quite the opposite.

It means that it is something my husband and I feel very strongly about and strive to improve on every day!  

I'd like to share one of those issues with you.

And that is addressing the heart of our children.

It is really much easier to simply address the behavioral conduct of our kids that needs to be improved. 

It is much harder to stop and take the time to surface the deeper concerns.

I have read Tedd Tripp's Shepherding a Child's Heart and really love his suggestions in regard to this.

I won't list all the points in the book, but I'll share a little bit of how we try to apply them in our home.

Our girls are SO different from one another.  

Joy, our 5 year old is super outgoing socially, LOVES to learn anything new, enjoys excitement, spontaneity and taking risks, . 

Noelle, almost 3 is quite the opposite.  She is much more reserved with people she doesn't know, or even with people she knows very well!  If the timing and context isn't right, social interaction takes alot of warmup for her.  She does love to learn like her sister, but wants to know all the details before trying out something new!  She doesn't like risks and being spontaneous is NOT a strong suit of hers.  She is, however very loving.  Very nurturing and loves to be cuddled.

So as they've started to get older, we've really come to see how differently they need to be addressed with certain issues!

Here's the situation that prompted this post.

Sunday morning we were getting ready for church (many times this is a stressful day for us if Chris leaves for church much earlier than us!).

So Noelle was getting her socks and shoes on in her room and Joy was in my room.  We have a 2-way baby monitor so we can speak to the girls in their room...and Joy had an idea.  

Joy loves a good scare.  She gets a kick out of being scared (as long as it's not in the dark) and loves to play jokes on others as well.

Noelle...not so much.

So Joy took the monitor and in a super scary voice (really...it was scary) said,

"Noeeeeeelllle I am coming to GET YOU!!!"

While this actually was pretty funny to me, Noelle was NOT amused.

She cried and was frightened even though she knew who was on the other end of the monitor.

This led to a talk between me and Joy.

I could have just said something addressing her behavior alone like:

"Joy, that wasn't nice.  We don't scare people, go say you're sorry."

But I tried taking a slower approach and our conversation went something along these lines.

I asked her about what Noelle likes and what Noelle doesn't like.

I asked her what she enjoys and how much she likes being spooked and playing jokes on others.

So it's ok to enjoy that, but if we're thinking of OTHERS more than we're thinking of ourselves, what would we choose to do?

This was actually broken down much more in our actual conversation, but her answer was that if she was thinking of Noelle instead of herself, then she wouldn't have scared her because she knows she doesn't like it.

Then, without me mentioning it, she said:

"I should go say sorry to her!"

She went on her own and I listened to her apologize to Noelle for scaring her and promise that she won't do it again.

Not a big deal, right?

Well, that morning it was a big deal to me.  I saw how choosing MY words carefully leads to giving Joy a better understanding of what her actions mean, why she made that decision, and more importantly, WHY her choice was a poor one.

I saw her precious response in willfully apologizing.

That conversation has been rolling around in my head the last couple days.  I need to make sure I have these type of conversations MORE often!

It take extra time, extra effort, and it isn't always easy to find the right questions to prompt our children to answer rightly and thoughtfully.

But we've seen that it is SO worth it!

My husband is always reminding me that the GOSPEL must be seen and spoken in our home, especially when we are correcting and disciplining our kids.

When we address the HEART of our children, they learn to address the heart of others!

If you haven't really put an emphasis on this in your parenting, I urge you to!  If you have the desire to, but don't always know where to start, read Shepherding a Child's Heart!

But here are just a few examples of how we try to talk with our girls.

*Noelle hits Joy (doesn't even matter why)

Poor response by me: 
"Noelle!  That is so mean!  Say you're sorry!"

Better response: 
"Noelley, WHY would you do that to sissy?  Don't you love her?  You need to go apologize and don't do it again."

Deeper response:
"Noelle, who made Joy?" (God)
"And who made you?" (God) 
"And who made those precious hands of yours?" (God did)  
"Does God love Joy?  Does God love you?" (yes) "Does God want to hurt Joy?" (No)
"Then should YOU hurt Joy with the hands God made for you?" (No)
"What does He want you to do with your hands instead?"  (Be nice)
"Yes, but more importantly, He wants you to glorify Him with your hands.  What are some ways we can do that?" (hug sissy, help sissy, give her a high-5)
"Yup.  I think that would make Jesus very happy if you chose to love sissy using your hands instead of hit her with them."
"What do you think you should do?" (say sorry)

Noelle answered the questions.  And we've had this exact conversation more than once!  She turns 3 next month, so you don't have to have an older child in order to address their precious little hearts.

That conversation does take significantly longer than a quick response.  But you end with no anger, no resentment, you are both on the same page and your child is ready to say sorry and BE sorry without you asking them to do it....they know they need to.

Or here's something we discuss quite a bit with Joy.

*I ask Joy to sit in her seat until dinner is over.  She continues to disobey...again.

I say, "Ok Joy, go in your room while we finish dinner.  You've chosen not to obey Mommy the first time."

Joy then proceeds to argue, cry, then stomp off to her room...but first...she turns around and sticks her tongue out. (that one has only happened once!)

Daddy sees that one and he goes in for the convo (and a consequence).

Poor response by Chris: 
"Joy, you didn't obey.  Now you don't get any dinner, we'll come get you when we're done."

Better response: 
"Joy that wasn't kind of you to stick your tongue out was it?  You need to go say sorry to mommy for being disrespectful."

Deeper response: 
"Joyful, what did mommy ask you to do?" (stay in my chair)
"And did you obey her?" (no)
"Was that honoring your mother and father like God tells us to in the 5th commandment?" (no)
"Then when mommy asked you to go to your room, did you go with a good attitude?" (no) 
"What did you do?" (stuck my tongue out at her) - she's most definitely crying by now, she's very sensitive to this stuff!
"So what that honoring mommy?" (no)
"How could you have honored mommy?" (obeyed her by going to my room quietly)
"Joy, who made you?" (God did)
"And who did He give you to take care of you?" (mommy and daddy)
"And how does God want you to treat mommy and daddy?" (He wants me to honor and respect you)
"Right.  And how do you think God feels when He sees you treat mommy like that?" (sad...)   still in tears
"Yup.  What do you think we should do?" (say sorry to mommy)
"For what?" (for disobeying her and being disrespectful)
"Yup.  And what does God do when we sin?" (He forgives us)
"Why?" (Because Jesus died for them) 
"That's right.  And because of that, we can forgive you too."
"Can we do better now?" (yes, daddy)

Our talks with Joy always last longer than they do with Noelle.  She's 5 and she's a very deep 5 year old.  She hurts deeply when she does something wrong or when someone else wrongs her.

Now that did take a while....it took my husband leaving the dinner table in order to instruct our daughter.  It would have been MUCH easier and convenient for us to say something quick and sharp in order to get Joy to obey.  And sometimes that happens in our home.  We are working against that.

But there is such joy in seeing our children understand the deeper things of life.

*That being nice isn't enough!
*That we need to look to the example of our Savior!
*That we need to put others first like HE DID!
*That we need to think about how our actions and words affect others.
*That we are sinners.
*That we NEED a Savior.
*And that we are forgiven by Him because of Christ's sacrifice.

And we take opportunities to show them that WE need a Savior too!

Mom and dad are NOT perfect and we sin!

We request help from The Lord and we confess our sin to the kids when it is against them.

Chris and I have so many things that we want for our kids.  But above all, we desire their hearts to desire The Lord.

We are daily learning how to parent.  And daily learning how NOT to parent!

Praise The Lord for His guidance and His Gospel of forgiveness!

So, we don't model this perfectly.  We strive to do better everyday though.

And I challenge you to do the same if you haven't started addressing your children's heart.

It is so rewarding!

Man, isn't parenting so much more complicated and difficult than "having a baby"?  

It is.  

But it is the BEST complicated, difficult, frustrating, precious, beautiful, rewarding job there is!