Addressing the HEART of a Child

So, in regards to parenting issues, I blog/share what I am passionate about.

This doesn't mean that I have mastered the issues I address.  

It doesn't mean that I no longer have to work hard at what I write about.

Quite the opposite.

It means that it is something my husband and I feel very strongly about and strive to improve on every day!  

I'd like to share one of those issues with you.

And that is addressing the heart of our children.

It is really much easier to simply address the behavioral conduct of our kids that needs to be improved. 

It is much harder to stop and take the time to surface the deeper concerns.

I have read Tedd Tripp's Shepherding a Child's Heart and really love his suggestions in regard to this.

I won't list all the points in the book, but I'll share a little bit of how we try to apply them in our home.

Our girls are SO different from one another.  

Joy, our 5 year old is super outgoing socially, LOVES to learn anything new, enjoys excitement, spontaneity and taking risks, . 

Noelle, almost 3 is quite the opposite.  She is much more reserved with people she doesn't know, or even with people she knows very well!  If the timing and context isn't right, social interaction takes alot of warmup for her.  She does love to learn like her sister, but wants to know all the details before trying out something new!  She doesn't like risks and being spontaneous is NOT a strong suit of hers.  She is, however very loving.  Very nurturing and loves to be cuddled.

So as they've started to get older, we've really come to see how differently they need to be addressed with certain issues!

Here's the situation that prompted this post.

Sunday morning we were getting ready for church (many times this is a stressful day for us if Chris leaves for church much earlier than us!).

So Noelle was getting her socks and shoes on in her room and Joy was in my room.  We have a 2-way baby monitor so we can speak to the girls in their room...and Joy had an idea.  

Joy loves a good scare.  She gets a kick out of being scared (as long as it's not in the dark) and loves to play jokes on others as well.

Noelle...not so much.

So Joy took the monitor and in a super scary voice (really...it was scary) said,

"Noeeeeeelllle I am coming to GET YOU!!!"

While this actually was pretty funny to me, Noelle was NOT amused.

She cried and was frightened even though she knew who was on the other end of the monitor.

This led to a talk between me and Joy.

I could have just said something addressing her behavior alone like:

"Joy, that wasn't nice.  We don't scare people, go say you're sorry."

But I tried taking a slower approach and our conversation went something along these lines.

I asked her about what Noelle likes and what Noelle doesn't like.

I asked her what she enjoys and how much she likes being spooked and playing jokes on others.

So it's ok to enjoy that, but if we're thinking of OTHERS more than we're thinking of ourselves, what would we choose to do?

This was actually broken down much more in our actual conversation, but her answer was that if she was thinking of Noelle instead of herself, then she wouldn't have scared her because she knows she doesn't like it.

Then, without me mentioning it, she said:

"I should go say sorry to her!"

She went on her own and I listened to her apologize to Noelle for scaring her and promise that she won't do it again.

Not a big deal, right?

Well, that morning it was a big deal to me.  I saw how choosing MY words carefully leads to giving Joy a better understanding of what her actions mean, why she made that decision, and more importantly, WHY her choice was a poor one.

I saw her precious response in willfully apologizing.

That conversation has been rolling around in my head the last couple days.  I need to make sure I have these type of conversations MORE often!

It take extra time, extra effort, and it isn't always easy to find the right questions to prompt our children to answer rightly and thoughtfully.

But we've seen that it is SO worth it!

My husband is always reminding me that the GOSPEL must be seen and spoken in our home, especially when we are correcting and disciplining our kids.

When we address the HEART of our children, they learn to address the heart of others!

If you haven't really put an emphasis on this in your parenting, I urge you to!  If you have the desire to, but don't always know where to start, read Shepherding a Child's Heart!

But here are just a few examples of how we try to talk with our girls.

*Noelle hits Joy (doesn't even matter why)

Poor response by me: 
"Noelle!  That is so mean!  Say you're sorry!"

Better response: 
"Noelley, WHY would you do that to sissy?  Don't you love her?  You need to go apologize and don't do it again."

Deeper response:
"Noelle, who made Joy?" (God)
"And who made you?" (God) 
"And who made those precious hands of yours?" (God did)  
"Does God love Joy?  Does God love you?" (yes) "Does God want to hurt Joy?" (No)
"Then should YOU hurt Joy with the hands God made for you?" (No)
"What does He want you to do with your hands instead?"  (Be nice)
"Yes, but more importantly, He wants you to glorify Him with your hands.  What are some ways we can do that?" (hug sissy, help sissy, give her a high-5)
"Yup.  I think that would make Jesus very happy if you chose to love sissy using your hands instead of hit her with them."
"What do you think you should do?" (say sorry)

Noelle answered the questions.  And we've had this exact conversation more than once!  She turns 3 next month, so you don't have to have an older child in order to address their precious little hearts.

That conversation does take significantly longer than a quick response.  But you end with no anger, no resentment, you are both on the same page and your child is ready to say sorry and BE sorry without you asking them to do it....they know they need to.

Or here's something we discuss quite a bit with Joy.

*I ask Joy to sit in her seat until dinner is over.  She continues to disobey...again.

I say, "Ok Joy, go in your room while we finish dinner.  You've chosen not to obey Mommy the first time."

Joy then proceeds to argue, cry, then stomp off to her room...but first...she turns around and sticks her tongue out. (that one has only happened once!)

Daddy sees that one and he goes in for the convo (and a consequence).

Poor response by Chris: 
"Joy, you didn't obey.  Now you don't get any dinner, we'll come get you when we're done."

Better response: 
"Joy that wasn't kind of you to stick your tongue out was it?  You need to go say sorry to mommy for being disrespectful."

Deeper response: 
"Joyful, what did mommy ask you to do?" (stay in my chair)
"And did you obey her?" (no)
"Was that honoring your mother and father like God tells us to in the 5th commandment?" (no)
"Then when mommy asked you to go to your room, did you go with a good attitude?" (no) 
"What did you do?" (stuck my tongue out at her) - she's most definitely crying by now, she's very sensitive to this stuff!
"So what that honoring mommy?" (no)
"How could you have honored mommy?" (obeyed her by going to my room quietly)
"Joy, who made you?" (God did)
"And who did He give you to take care of you?" (mommy and daddy)
"And how does God want you to treat mommy and daddy?" (He wants me to honor and respect you)
"Right.  And how do you think God feels when He sees you treat mommy like that?" (sad...)   still in tears
"Yup.  What do you think we should do?" (say sorry to mommy)
"For what?" (for disobeying her and being disrespectful)
"Yup.  And what does God do when we sin?" (He forgives us)
"Why?" (Because Jesus died for them) 
"That's right.  And because of that, we can forgive you too."
"Can we do better now?" (yes, daddy)

Our talks with Joy always last longer than they do with Noelle.  She's 5 and she's a very deep 5 year old.  She hurts deeply when she does something wrong or when someone else wrongs her.

Now that did take a while....it took my husband leaving the dinner table in order to instruct our daughter.  It would have been MUCH easier and convenient for us to say something quick and sharp in order to get Joy to obey.  And sometimes that happens in our home.  We are working against that.

But there is such joy in seeing our children understand the deeper things of life.

*That being nice isn't enough!
*That we need to look to the example of our Savior!
*That we need to put others first like HE DID!
*That we need to think about how our actions and words affect others.
*That we are sinners.
*That we NEED a Savior.
*And that we are forgiven by Him because of Christ's sacrifice.

And we take opportunities to show them that WE need a Savior too!

Mom and dad are NOT perfect and we sin!

We request help from The Lord and we confess our sin to the kids when it is against them.

Chris and I have so many things that we want for our kids.  But above all, we desire their hearts to desire The Lord.

We are daily learning how to parent.  And daily learning how NOT to parent!

Praise The Lord for His guidance and His Gospel of forgiveness!

So, we don't model this perfectly.  We strive to do better everyday though.

And I challenge you to do the same if you haven't started addressing your children's heart.

It is so rewarding!

Man, isn't parenting so much more complicated and difficult than "having a baby"?  

It is.  

But it is the BEST complicated, difficult, frustrating, precious, beautiful, rewarding job there is!
 

Am I a Couch Potato Mom?

*******update*******The original post magically disappeared, and reverted back to an unedited version.  So I've tried my best to rewrite what was written before!

So a few weeks ago, my cousin's wife over at Becoming//M asked me to write a guest blog post for her!

I was completely honored and flattered as she has a much larger following than I do!

Her and her husband, (my cousin....well, my 3rd cousin) are missionaries to Tanzania that have been on furlough for several months here in the States while their precious little girl was born!

Anyway, like I said, I was flattered!

You can read the post here.

But as I have been writing a little more about parenting, I'm realizing how convicting it is.

In my guest post, I talked about how I'm not called to be a "couch potato mom".

Why did I write that post?

Why did I use those words?

Because it is a struggle of mine.

Pretty much anyone that knows me is already aware of this.

But JUST in case you aren't, I want to share this with you.

I do NOT want to be the mom that posts things and makes her life look like something that it is not.

I am not the mom that thrives off of organization and cleanliness. (my husband IS!)

I am the mom that can sit at my desk, covered in receipts, coupons, kid's drawings, glue sticks, and random pieces of my jewelry that haven't quite made it back to my armoire and be completely content and able to concentrate on whatever task is at hand. (Now you know what my desk looks like this very minute ;)

I am the mom that can look at the pile of clothes waiting to be put away for 4 days straight and finally put them away 3 1/2 minutes before the kids' bedtime.

I am also the mom that can wait until the last minute before planning the girls' school week for them and realize that I don't even have some of the necessary supplies for it...when it's already too late to run and get them.

And....I am a mom who has to fight against being a "couch potato."

I don't know if this is common, normal, or the rarity for stay at home moms, but it is a struggle that I've always had.  I have been ashamed of it and saddened by how it affects me, my kids, and even my husband.

I am so so grateful for my husband.  I have confessed my struggle to him and he has prayed with me, for me, encouraged me, asked what he can do to assist me, and sometimes most importantly, he has admonished me.

Why would my husband admonish me in this area?

Because I AM NOT CALLED TO BE A COUCH POTATO MOM!!!

And I can confidently say that neither are you.

Phew.

I said it.

How do I know us moms aren't called to chill on the couch all day while the kids watch t.v., play on the iPad, read books by themselves, play with toys by themselves, play outside BY THEMSELVES, or any other activity that keeps them occupied without my intervention? (pleeeease not that I said all day.  I do not think these things are inappropriate when done in moderation!!)


Well, Scripture tells us in
Titus 2 says "



^"Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good,  and so train the young women to love their husbands and children,  to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." Titus 2:3-5

 


So read that passage again with me.

As women, (some of these are specific to wives and mothers) we are to love our husbands and children, be self-controlled, be pure, kind, submissive to our husbands, and be working at home.

 
"Working at home" doesn't sound like laziness, carelessness, or slothfulness.  I looked this word up in its original language and it is not referring to hard labor.  It means "keeping up" or "caring for" the home.

Now I certainly cannot define exactly what this should look like in every home....each family is different.

In our home, it means that I keep a decent routine with the kids, get school work done with the girls, spend quality time with them, attend to their needs, and try my best to make sure the house is somewhat presentable with my husband gets home!  I also take care of the finances, bills, adoption paperwork, medical necessities for the family (my husband is a type 1 diabetic), plan meals, shop, prep meals and feed the family.  

**Now, my husband is FAR from absent in all of this.  While he wouldn't know what to do if I sat my online bill pay page in front of him, he is more than just "involved" in our kids' everyday activities.  He is much more of a help to me than I could ever ask for!!!**

Do we have lazy days?  Yup!  And when that lazy day is over and we've just not done a whole lot that day, I'm ready to get back up and start the next!

Now just for the record, "self-control" in the passage above is NOT just referring to anger.  It's whatever is waging war against the Spirit!  It's whatever is getting in the way of your sanctification...whether it's laziness, anger, pride, our speech, our time management (or lack thereof), or whatever else may be in our lives that we are constantly having to control for His glory.

So I pray that what you have read has encouraged you to be the woman, wife, and mother that The Lord has called you to be.  Like I said, we may not always have the same exact job description, but we are all called to keep up, and care for our home.

I understand it is not easy.

But it would be most unwise to neglect this precious calling.

So fight against your flesh.
Be self-controlled.
Enjoy keeping up your home.
Put the phone down (talking to myself too, remember!)
Turn off the computer.
Pour yourself into your kids.

Only The Lord knows how long you'll have them.

 

 
 

Why we won't be watching Princess Movies Anymore

So, up to this point I have mainly kept the posts on our blog to adoption related posts.
But I titled the blog "It's a mom life" for a reason!  
I'd eventually like to just be able to update family and friends on how our family is growing and changing.
But I would also like to share more about what my life is as a mom and share things that
are close to my heart.

So here it goes.

Our oldest daughter is a princess fanatic!

She absolutely loves all the princess movies, has a Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella dress complete with
her several tiaras, princess shoes, and necklaces.
I do not see anything wrong with allowing our girls to dress up and play pretend.


However, we're seeing a trend that we do not like, and we believe it stems from watching all the Disney princess movies like Cinderella, Beauty and The Beast, Aladdin, Little Mermaid, Tangled, etc.

And we've just made a decision to take those types of movies out of our video library for a long time.  
And I'll share with you the reasons why.


She is looking up to an adult princess.

 "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior..."

Titus 2:3a

Our girls are little ladies.

How do these movies line up with the example

of Godly women?

 

Joy loves to look pretty.  She loves to dance like a princess.  She loves to look at herself in the mirror, pretend to marry her prince (daddy), and pretend she's falling in love.

But she's 4.

We're noticing that it is difficult for her to understand what is acceptable for adult (or teenage, really) princesses vs. her little preschooler self.  For example, usually the days following watching a princess movie, she talks about the difference between an adult kiss and a little kid kiss.  She is fascinated by it for some reason and tries to push the envelope with the type of kisses she gives to us or her siblings.

And another example.
When dressing up, she is always looking to us to tell her how beautiful she is.  How "princess-like" she is.  How precious she looks.
I'm sure that this stuff is normal for little ones to experiment with.  But look at what she's watching!!!  She's 4 years old and sees movies with teenagers "falling in love" and wanting to marry their prince within the week!  They normally dress pretty immodestly, are always beautiful with long flowy hair, and will always kiss their prince.  How is she supposed to process these adult concepts in her head?  I believe it's so hard because she isn't SUPPOSED to have to process things like this yet!  Her example of love should come from family around her.  
Our kids see my husband and I hug, exchange kisses and goof around all the time.  
But to their understanding, we have always been together.
We are secure.
We are a solid fixture in their lives.
We can explain our love story to them, but all they see is that from the moment they were born, mom and dad have always loved each other and that's how things ARE.




We need to nurture her inner beauty.

 ^"But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

1 Peter 3:4

 I don't believe this "gentle and quiet spirit"

can be found in the princesses

that girls look up to.

 

 

Joy doesn't need to have the same "self worth" that the world tells us to.
She needs to know what is most important to our Lord.  And that is her heart.  

Think about it.
What's the first thing that comes to our mind to say to a little girl when we meet them?
"How pretty you are!"  
"What a beautiful dress!"
"I love your gorgeous eyes!" 
"Wow, such a little cutie pie!"

Anything wrong with these?  Not inherently.

But what are these tiny little hearts learning???
That they need to be pretty for others?
That they need to smile pretty for others?
That they are better because they are pretty today?
That we should strive to earn complements about our OUTER appearance?

We need to address their hearts.
And the "heart" of the matter is that God cares for what is inside.
Our "inner" beauty.
NOT the counsel of the world that says how important and self-loving we should be to ourselves.
But our inner self that loves the Lord.
That puts others first.
That desires to honor and respect our parents and forgive others.
The thing that our Father finds as PRECIOUS!
 
We would like to pull our girls away from the all-important Princess persona of beauty.
We need to teach them what true beauty is in the eye of our Creator.
 

We want to be an example of humble repentance and grace.

 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

1 John 1:9 

Good vs. evil is not the same as sin vs. righteousness.

  Repentance is obviously not seen in these films because

they are void of Christ. 

 
The best way for our children to understand their own depravity and forgiveness through Christ
is showing it to them practically.
We talk to the girls all the time about repentance and forgiveness of sin, but they NEED to see
that we are in this with them!
We are sinners saved by grace and they need a Savior just as much as we do!
They must see us apologize when necessary and be the example of humility and turning from our sin to Christ.

But look at these movies!!
Young women and men break the law, disobey their parents, disrespect their parents verbally and with their actions.  Couples make it clear that regardless of what their parents approve of or think, their "love" is most important of all and gives them permission to do whatever necessary to be together.
That is directly in contradiction to what we are trying to teach them!
And there is usually no remorse!

We are working in a direction more like this:

We can tell our girls how "not nice" they are sometimes.
Or how "mean" they are when they take something away from the other.

But a better approach would be this:

Did God create you?  
Did God create your sister?
Did He make those hands of yours?
Did He form your heart?
Then how would He like you to use your hands toward the sister He made for you?
And how do you think He feels when your heart is unkind toward someone that He made and loves?
Do you think we should pray for Him to forgive you?
Would you like to try and do better and treat your sister in a way that pleases The Lord now?
Sometimes it's hard, mommy and daddy sin too.  But we always are very sorry for our sin and thank Jesus for forgiving us and allowing us to do better next time!

If they watch a show, make it a purposeful one.

 “All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.

1 Corinthians 10:23

Is it sinful to turn on Cinderella?

No.

But I do not see it as helpful to our little girls'

hearts and minds as they try and process what this world is all

about and who God created them to be.

 

This isn't ALL about the princess stuff.  
It's about both trying to take the ungodly, unnecessary adult-like fairy tales away and replace them with much more appropriate videos for their little eyes to watch.  
I mean, it's not like there aren't 1,001 BETTER things for them to watch!
I was the one who brought out these nostalgic movies to introduce them to anyways.
I remember watching them, wanting to be Ariel transformed into a human, Belle being captivated by magical creatures and falling in love with a beast, Jasmine in her skimpy outfit and pet tiger....
So I am to blame for subjecting her to these concepts. 
How much more productive would it be for her to watch Biblical shows?  Educational shows?  
Things we can talk about later that don't include explaining why Rapunzel was allowed to kiss Eugene with an "adult kiss"? And that don't include explaining why Ariel's top is technically a swimsuit top instead of a "bra"?  And why we don't pull our shirt down to show our bare shoulders like Jasmine? 

Our little girls are future women.  
We were once this young.
We must do our best to form their hearts to see themselves as God has created them.
Precious in His sight...yet with sin.
Which is why the Gospel is SO important in our parenting!!!!
He looks at our hearts...which is sinful!  Even theirs.  And look at the wide open door we have to tell
them of the beautiful gift of Jesus.  
There's no wondering when we'll have an "opportunity" to share the Gospel with our kids.
It's every minute of every day!

So maybe later down the road when our kids understand more about being young ladies, we'll sit and watch Little Mermaid again and sing all the songs together.  Lord knows I look forward to that! 
I don't know when that will be.  But I know that when our little girls lay in bed at night falling asleep, I don't want them day dreaming about a Prince Charming.  Their hearts are much too young for that. 
Instead, they can lay in bed and dream of the date that they get to take with their daddy.
Of a fun day ahead shopping with mom.
Of all the funny things that their baby brother did that day.
Because the time WILL come that a young man will lay heavy on one of their hearts and mind.  And when that day comes, I want her to see herself as the lady that we do.  As a daughter of our Heavenly Father that should be guarded and protected from the world's distorted view of love.  And also saved for the prince that will one day take her away from us.